It's easier said that done!

©Aeizha Sarinas

I grew up in the Philippines, where we refuse to admit, but Filipinos are very judgmental people. That's how "chismis" gets around. My parents always told me, "don't do this", "be like this", and I don't blame them. People are just very mean; it's just easy for them to make up something in their heads rather than approaching it in a more mature manner. I know; I am guilty of this, too. This is why "Be yourself" is my first commandment!

To be fully myself in this journey, I have to know who I am first. Who am I? Who is Nikki? What are my likes and dislikes? What are the things that I enjoy doing the most, and what are the things I refuse to do? Well here it is.

My parents decided to name me Nathanielle Monique. When I was still in the Philippines, I would write my whole name all the time. They considered Nathanielle Monique as my first name, then middle name would be my mother's maiden name, In America, it's different. Nathanielle is my first name, then Monique is my middle name, so imagine in a teacher's roster, my name would just be Nathanielle M. Guevarra. Considering how long Nathanielle is, it would usually get cut off after the first L, so professors would  think that when they are calling my name, they are looking for a guy. They would always have that surprised face when I raise my hand. One professor even asked me if I was sure I am Nathanielle. "Yup, since birth!" I responded.

Because of the confusion, I have been wanting to legally change my name to just Nikki, my nickname. When I had the chance to do that, I didn't, and just kept Nathanielle. Yes, my dad did tell me that I shouldn't change it. But that wasn't the reason why I didn't change my name. I've been living my whole life as a Nathanielle. Why would I change who I grew up to be just because some people cannot accept the fact that when they are looking for a Nathanielle, they are looking for a girl, they are looking for me. So, yep! I kept my name. People can keep doubting me that I am Nathanielle, but whatever! I love my name, and this is who I am.

Apart of being a dork, I am also a NERD! Yep, you heard me, a NERD. I'm not just saying that because being a nerd is "in" right now. I don't even know if it actually is in right now, but I am. The first time I have seen a Star Wars movie, I already fell in love with it. I'm not as big of a nerd as others claim themselves to be. I have not read a single comic book, I like the episodes I-III of Star Wars better than IV-VI (yes, be disappointed), and I don't collect all Star Wars memorabilia, but I still consider myself as a nerd. I love Star Wars, Harry Potter, Marvel superheroes, and I play some video games. I guess I don't really have to explain myself much on this, but once I get my blog going, you'll realize how much of a nerd I really am. Initially, Grant and I wanted to name this blog Two Nerds in a Pod (coz we're both nerds, sorry babe), but it was already taken.

I love reading, playing instruments, painting, cooking, baking, and cleaning. These things I really like doing, but since I've been really busy, I haven't had the chance to actually do any of this (except for cleaning). The last book I "read" was The Happiness Project, and I didn't really read it; I listened to the audiobook. Right now, I'm in the process of actually reading Harry Potter, since Grant already finished reading the whole series again. I haven't played MichelAngelo (this is my acoustic guitar) in a while, and I'm pretty sure he feels sad that he's just collecting dust at home. I make sure that he's dusted, though! The canvas that's sitting on my easel has been unfinished since last year, and I just need to make little adjustments to it, and it will be done, but I still can't find the time to do it. Cooking! I loooove cooking. Living with Grant made me practice cooking more. No, he doesn't make me cook all the time. He occasionally cooks, too, but I volunteer more, so I can be better at it (and post recipes here)! I haven't really baked anything after moving. Grant and I are still missing a couple of kitchen appliances to actually be able to bake, so I am just waiting for those, and I'll be baking a lot of cookies, maybe even try to bake a cake, and using both buttercream and fondant! Cleaning, that's the only thing I actually still do now. I mean, who would want a dirty home, amirite? Every chance I get, I tend to organize things more than they need to. Or I organize one way, and see something else on Pinterest, and try to do it the next week. I always feel like I need to keep Grant updated on how I organized certain things. I did this a lot when I was still living with my parents. My bedroom always has a different layout every month.

Now to get a little bit more serious.

©Joy Foronda

I am Nikki, and I do have depression and anxiety. I definitely feel a lot better than before, but there are still some days where I would feel "off". Some people would not accept the fact, or even believe me, that I have depression because I would always look so happy in front of people. Sorry to break it to you, but sometimes what you see right now is not what you see behind closed doors. I am very lucky though because the man that I am with (Grant, if you still haven't figured it out) has been very supportive of me. The past year that we have been together, I think that he's made me feel more open about how I am feeling. It was very difficult to try to open up to people, especially if they are not very open-minded about it. I had dated someone long time ago, and I would try to open up to this person about how I am feeling, and this person would just tell me, "why are you being sad about that?" or "some people have it worse than you do". Honestly, that didn't really help me. I know someone out there has it worse than I do, but right now, I feel like the world is collapsing on me. I don't need to know what happened with some other people who I have never met before. Because of how this person would react to my episodes, I have just decided to keep everything to myself, which didn't really help me a whole lot. Apart from that, I know someone who always thought that I am depressed because this person is depressed, too, and we hang out a lot. It was a series of not-so-good people surrounding me, and it was just pulling me down even more.

©Morgan Hirschfield, check out her blog @ marvellouslymorgan.com

When I started dating Grant, I was a bit hesitant to actually open up about all of my episodes. But as we gotten more serious, I decided to be brave and try to explain myself so he'd understand me better. It was the best decisions I have ever made! He doesn't always know what to tell me when I'm having my episodes, but he always knows what to do: give me a tight hug and rub my back, sometimes kisses on my cheek and forehead, too! Sometimes, I don't even need to explain myself to Grant. All I tell him, "Babe, I feel eckkk." And he responds back, "Well someone deserves more hugs and kisses tonight, then!" It's nice to know that there are still people who care.

I was more open to my parents about my depression. At first, they seem like they were refusing to believe that one of their daughters has depression, but the more I am open with them, the more they understand. Because of this, my parents have been more understanding of me, and they give more advice and just more supportive of me.

©Nikki Guevarra, Picture taken by Grant

AMBIVERT. That's what I am. I am an ambivert, a balance of extrovert and introvert features. I enjoy being around my friends, hanging out with them, but I also enjoy being alone and nobody around me, except for Grant. When I discovered that there is such a thing, there was this someone I know that claims that I am not really an ambivert. Let's hide this person in the name of John. I told John that I enjoy being around people, but there are days where I just want to stay home and do nothing, and just not be around people. John thought that he knows me better than I know myself and told me, "You're not really an ambivert. An ambivert is someone like me. I just hang out with people I am comfortable with but I enjoy my alone time". I just nodded at John and thought to myself, that's exactly what I had just said about myself. According to John, I am not an ambivert, but who is John to tell me who I am and who I am not?

This post ended up being longer than I expected. Opening up to people is a bit scary, but you shouldn't be scared of who you are. Whoever you are, you are a beautiful person. You don't need to explain yourself to anybody. The people who matter to your life will accept you for whoever you are. If they can't accept you, then you don't need them. You don't need to negativity from other people. As to what my co-worker tells me, "you do you, boo-boo".


xx